Wanted: Coat with Hood - Part I

I should begin with a little background about my "coat with a hood" issue. I first expressed my appreciation for all things wool and double-breasted back in 2006 with Mr. Claus himself. The following letters will fill in the details for you, before I comment on the current state of things.

Dear Santa,

It has come to my attention that my 2006 Christmas list has proved to be a bit challenging for you. While this should come as no surprise, given that I have been challenging for 26 years now, I decided to write you in order to address your concerns.

As you remember, my original list included many clothing items such as jeans, khakis, and shoes. I am aware of the difficulty you must face each year as a "plus size" male faced with the task of purchasing clothing for women of all sizes. To help clarify, I am slightly bigger than an elf, about as curvy as a cinnamon stick, and have arms resembling ski poles (think monkey). My goal is to make this as easy as possible for both of us so I propose to you that you delegate a Santa's helper to accompany me to the stores either pre- or post- Christmas so that we can get all of this straightened out. Mr. Claus, I can certainly understand how you are feeling right now, but please understand that what may be your "December dilemma" is my life as a shopper all year 'round.

I feel as though we need to address the coat issue as well because there seems to be some misunderstanding in this area as well. First, let me start off by saying that while I am aware that my appreciation for fine wool, silk lining, and double-breasted button fronts could be misconstrued as an "addiction" or "obsession" I would like to say it in no way interferes with a "major life activity" and I feel confident that I can stop at any time. In fact, I can prove to you that I give up my affinity for coats every year around April or May and have been coat-free for many months at a time. Therefore, my enjoyment of fine coats in no way rises to the level of qualification for the naughty list. That being said, a girl can get very cold in January and winter white wool can prevent hypothermia. (size 0 or 2, but not petite, remember the monkey arms). I also noticed the other day that I am lacking a coat in the color gray. Could you even sleep at night, Mr. Claus, knowing you failed to provide me with the necessary warmth to get through the cold Oregon winter? I trust you will live up to my expectations as you have every year since 1980 (except 2004, but we'll let that one go).

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you need any further clarification. My goal is to work together with you so that we may ensure and smooth and successful December 25th for all of us.

Sincerely,

Kimberly

Santa responded:

Dear Kimberly,

I received a note your mom forwarded to me and I wanted to thank you for clarifying a few things. You did a wonderful job describing yourself and your situation to me. Many of the elves and Mrs. Claus thought it was the best letter they have received in years.

Let me first address Christmas 2004. If I remember ( you know at my age, my memory does fail me sometimes) that was the year that giving became a greater gift than receiving and you and your family created an especially happy Christmas for some children that would have otherwise had nothing. In my book, that was the Best Christmas Ever!! Although there were few presents with your name on them, your heart was full of love for others, which is the real reason for Christmas.

Because we have had such a bitter cold winter, many of the coats that fit elves with monkey arms have already been taken. I will see if I can find something that would work for you though. I would not want hypothermia to get you and I know that your mom wouldn't want that either, and it seems that you had a grandmother that would feel the same.

So Kimberly, I know that for the most part you have been very good, (except for the time you wouldn't go get your grandad's car) your work for other children has brought you up high on my list and I will try to deliver as before as my greatest joy is giving to others.

Your mom and I will be in contact.

Love,
Santa

So in 2007 I wrote...

Dear Santa,
First, let me apologize for getting this to you so late this year. I have not had much time to prepare for Christmas. I’m sure you already know what I want, since my list really hasn’t changed much since I was 5 (clothes, shoes, coat, you know the drill). There is one item I would like to address with you, however. It seems to me that you should have quite an influence in the retail industry given your occupation. So please tell me why, in 2007, we are able to connect to the internet wirelessly, talk on phone in the car, send information electronically at the push of a button, but it is virtually impossible to find a warm coat with a hood. With one single piece of technology, I can take a picture, text message, listen to music, access the web, and talk to a friend, but I am still forced to choose between being warm or being dry when I walk outside. Does this make any sense to you? I know you want to bring peace on earth and joy to all mankind. A warm coat with a hood could be your first step towards happiness for all boys and girls. I know such innovations do exist. I happen to have almost the perfect coat; it is wool, warm, double-breasted, with a hood. However, I would really love it in black. If you feel this is too much to ask, then please make the choice for me. Do you want me to be dry and cold in 2008, or warm and drenched? The choice is yours. In addition, I would like new black boots. I would guess that you have the same problem I do, as it seems you wear your black boots as much, if not more, than I wear mine. Although I don’t go down chimneys in them, I walk to the mall at lunch a lot and my boots are worse for the wear. Those are my only requests for now. I will let you know if I think of anything between now and Christmas. Remember, I’m giving you this information at the last minute for your own good. I’m encouraging spontaneity and challenging you to become a more efficient giver of gifts.

Love,

Kimberly

P.S. I’m assuming I’m on the good list this year. If not, I’m sure we can work something out.

So, you see, I have suffered a long time. More to come...